Me: Hello?
Mom: Gooood morning! I'm going to town. Do you need anything while I'm there?
Me: Toilet paper and dish soap.
Mom: Oh. You sound all grumbly.
Me: I just woke up and Oh Shit (my coffee pot) is giving me trouble first thing.
Mom: Oh shit.
Me: I know. And, the fairies never showed up.
Mom: The fairies?
Me: The clean-the-house fairies never showed. The making-coffee fairies must have died. I haven't seen them for ages...and the kick-the-kids-in-the-ass fairies don't exist.
Mom: So what's up with Oh Shit?
Me: I don't know. I set it up, plugged it in and 15 minutes later, the green light was on, so I went to pour a cup. It was thin and cold.
Mom: Oh shit.
Me: I know. But as soon as I put it down, it started percolating again, so I decided to wait. After a minute or two the green light was back on. I picked up the pot to pour and it started perking again. Taunting me. "I'm done...Haha! Just kidding...perk, perk."
Mom: So you need toilet paper and dish soap?
Me: Yeah. I bought a 4 pack from Cenex last night for 4 bucks. They had a small bottle of soap too, but they wanted 6 bucks for it. The thought of spending that much money to wipe my ass and wash a sink load of dishes made me constipate tight as a drum. Besides, we go through a lot of toilet paper around here. 4 rolls won't last 2 days. We are assholes evidently
Mom: Yes.
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