Here it goes

I haven't been posting because I have just been under immense amounts of stress lately, so much stress that I may have been on the verge if a nervous breakdown.  I suppose that sounds so dramatic.  What the hell is a nervous breakdown?  You cry if all the bread is gone?  You cry if you drop a spoon?  You cry because morning is here and another horrible day has to start?  You think about dying, running away, throwing up?  Food doesn't taste, no ambition, you don't care?  If thats the case, then I was there all month long.  I have been having such trouble with Dean.  He is 17 and selfish, mouthy, he does stupid things, he won't come home, he won't call, he's smoking, drinking, hanging out with potheads, never home.  I worry, I wonder what I have done wrong, why does he post on face book that he has lost all his faith?  Why is he rude and selfish?  Why won't he come home when I ask?  Why won't he call and tell me he's okay? he will be gone for days and days. Does he eat?  is he drinking and driving?  is his driver drinking and driving?  Is he involved with drugs?  Is he sick, is he hurt?  Is he warm?  Is he going to school? Is he getting something to eat?  I've talked to police, social services, the sheriff, the school, the counselors, human services they all say the same thing, at 17, he is considered an adult in the eyes of the law.  He makes his own choices, we cannot change him now.  They told me it's my job to change.   And I cry and cry and worry and pray and cry. 

We were working with a mortgage modification company for a year, our second.  From the very beginning our loan was screwy.  They told my dad when we bought the house the loan would be in our name, not his.  When it was all done, it was in dad's name.  They said in 1 year Curt and I could pay the payments and get refinanced since were were on an interest-only adjustable ARM.  A year went by and they said that it made no difference if we made the payments or not, the only credit we were building was mom and dads.  After 3 years the interest was paid and the payment blew up to 1500.00 a month.  Curt lost his job, the stove pipe broke, the blower on the furnace died, the pipes burst, the pressure tank died, the well pump died, the gray water line collapsed, I lost my job, got a new one that could not pay me, Curt did his best working from home my van died, got a different one and it lasted a week before it threw a rod, put in a different motor and after 2 weeks it threw a rod as well, the hot water heater split, the ceiling in the bathroom fell down and the mortgage company would not budge on a modification.  We hired 2 different companies to handle dealing with the bank and getting modifications, both of them scams.  The last 2 months I have told all this to the bank begging them to modify the loan and get us payments we can make so we can survive and try to get this house presentable.  I faxed information, signed papers, faxed more, called every day asking if they were going to do the modification, but they said we are thinking about it.  The house was put on a sheriff sale and I called every day, and every day they said they would think about it, it was in review.  Last Wednesday was the sale date.  I called Tuesday 3 times asking them if they would postpone, decide, whatever.  They were still deciding, call in the morning.  They can stop the sale anytime.  I woke up at 8 and started calling, still deciding, called at 9, still deciding, called at 10, still deciding, called at 11:15, fifteen minutes before the start of the sale and they said they would not help us.  I threw up.

My home.  I grew up here.  There is a place on top of the hill where the sun trickles down through the trees.  I called it my sunshine house.  My dogs are buried here, my donkey.  My dad and I planted all these trees when they were tiny whips.  We used to slide down the driveway on winter nights on our bellies under the yard lights until midnight.  I used to dance in the basement, I used to play in the cave, I used to explore and hunt and hike.  I used to make a big nest out of fallen leaves on a warm fall day and take a nap in the woods.  I used to climb to the top of the pine trees.  I used to sleep on the deck on hot summer nights.  We had camp outs in the yard, I had friends over.  My room was pink. Just like that it was gone and I cried and cried.  Then I was scared.

It was fall, getting cold and we had no place to go...and what was I going to tell my father?  His credit is destroyed and I lost the family farm, the place he worked so hard for, that he wanted me to have and its gone.  Just like that.  I told my sister first, who immediately started to cry.  She told me to tell dad right away, so i did.  He took it well.  He wasn't mad or even angry.  He said he could have never made those payments and he was surprised that we made it for 6 years with all the shit that we went through.  He said it was okay and he said he was sorry he pushed us into it back then, he was sorry that he got tangled up with the shady mortgage company in the first place, and sorry that he push us so hard to get modified.

That afternoon I turned on my computer and looked at the Dunn Co News.  I scanned through the rentals and found a house in Ridgeland.  Affordable, 3 bedroom, available, close to mom and dad and let me have my pets.  The next day I filled in the application and faxed it in.  The lady in the office was not happy that Curt was not working and she was adamant that he would not be running a shop from the garage there.  My heart sank.  the other 5 rentals available were too small or too expensive.  I needed the peace of mind of a place to go.  The next day there was a place that was hiring welders in the paper and Curt applied.  The owner of the house we wanted called me that afternoon and told me the house was ours.  She knew Dean  and heard our story and told me the house was mine with the option to buy later on when we felt ready. 

Today is Sunday, 4 days after I lost my home and I am okay.  This month our 1500$ will be our last.  It covers our first and last month's rent in our new home.  Next month our smaller, far more affordable rent will be easily managed and out by the first. I will be able to afford to fix the gasket leak in my van and buy tires for the front. I'll have money in the bank and all my bills paid for the first time in 3 years I won't have to wonder what will happen if I rob money from this bill to pay that bill. 

And then I look around me at the peeling wall paper, lady beetles piled up in every corner and milling around the light bulbs.  I vacuum them, but 10 minutes later there is a million more.  The dirty and worn carpets, the ripped up linoleum, the hole in the wall, the damp basement, the mold, the mice, the duct tape holding up the insulation in the bathroom ceiling because we could not afford to fix it.  All gone. No more slow drains, no more mouse shit on my stove every morning, no more vacuuming out the drawers every week for the mice, no more having to wash dishes that were put away before using them because of mice.  No more bugs.  No more mold.  No more leaks and no more cold. No more burning wood, incessant relentless layers of dust, smoke, dirt.  No more 1500$ house payments.

I'm okay.  I feel okay.  I'm sad and embarrassed that I lost my house.  Ashamed that I made stupid choices and allowed myself to get swindled.  There are so many things we all should have done differently.  On the other hand, I feel a little lighter.  Maybe I can keep my house cleaner, it can be safer for my kids.  They can have their own rooms with doors.  They can be warm in the winter.  I can cook a meal without having to wash the mice away and the smell of ladybugs wont permeate the air.   Maybe I can invite people over without feeling embarrassed because everything is so dirty and ugly and I won't have ladybugs dive bombing my guests.  I can sit down and crochet or craft on my day off and not do it because it can possibly make me some money or save me some money, but do it because its fun.  No guilt because I'm not working overtime or cleaning.  Maybe it is for the best.  Maybe I needed to decompress.

Dean is home.  He said he would help us move.  I gave him the choice of staying in Boyceville or going to Barron and he chose going to Barron.  Maybe the change will be good for him too.  New people.  New place.  Less tension.

Yaya's school is right across the road from our house.  We will walk every morning.  I will have to take the dog out for walks too, which will help me get on track for weight loss and exercise, Lucas too.  If dad gets sick, I'm right there, 2 blocks away.  I can help mom do her housework once a week, shovel the walk for them and help mom more.  The little grocery store is around the corner for emergencies, the bank is right there, the vet, the park.  There is a little hardware store, gas station, tiny 1-chair hair salon, 3 bars and a post office.  I can get my hair done, get drunk, mail a letter and buy milk all on the same block.  I wish the coffee shop was still open...that would be nice...