Feeling Sorry For Donny Jay

So I have this cousin. He has always been kind of a black sheep you know? The trouble maker, the druggie, the thief-ooooo stay away from Donny Jay they always said, he's bad news. Well, I haven't had a real conversation with him since I was 16. My sister Libby loved him and they were close enough. I figured I would give him a chance. After all, my family will condemn you if you disagree on who should be president. The name calling could very well be assumptions and stories made up to justify those assumptions. It's not unheard of. So, for a few months now, I have been doing my best to make my cousin feel wanted and welcome. To let him know that family is worth a second chance. We don't get to choose them, we just have to deal with them as they are. Unless they prove outrageously high maintenance, we should do what we can to be a family. Besides, my sister Libby loved him. He couldn't have been all bad...he just needs a place to belong... right?

So, it's been that way for a while. I would type to him, he would type to me and I would invite him to cook out with us, spend some time with the family, he would turn me down.  I was trying my best to help him feel better about himself and to give him a foundation.

He showed up this morning driving his fancy car. A Thunderbird something-something classic oldie something. It's a nice car, but I told Donny to bring it by to show my Curtis more than anything. Curt loves cars and would be able to appreciate it more. It would give them something in common to talk about, thus broadening his accepting family base.

I was happy to see him and told him to come in. We had a nice visit while I drank some coffee and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. We laughed a lot, though I don't think Donny was completely comfortable, or maybe he just wasn't used to being welcome? He was reserved, seemed a little shocked at our friendliness...I don't know. He wasn't completely at ease. I treated him like I would have treated a brother I had not seen for a long time. I asked him If he wanted to visit my other sister since they grew up together after all, and were the same age. I thought he would jump at the chance, but I ended up having to ask him 3 times. I should have taken that as a clue that he really didn't want to spend time with me.  Instead, I thought he was just being shy.

 Finally we went, but Doreen wasn't home. She was at the shooting range. A place that was nearby, but I had never been to. My brother in law gave me directions and Donny agreed to go. So, we went and I turned on the road, not really thinking about it being gravel. A lot of the roads are gravel around here, I really didn't give it a second thought, but I turned a corner and realized Donny was lagging behind and I waited thinking he wanted to go slow because of the rocks. No big deal.  I slowed down and waited.  He was behind me shortly and I assumed it was all good.  Afterall, he could stop at any time--right?  When we got to the driveway to the range, it actually had cut through a meadow. I stopped and got out thinking it would be better for him to ride with me and save his car from the feild.  Donny stopped. I saw the whole thing as a silly adventure trying to find the Nobby (my sister).  It wasn't until I got out that I realized he was dead pissed and swearing at me. Evidently I'm stupid, fuckity fuck, I'm so goddamned pissed, fuckity fuck...drug me down a gravel road for 3 miles-(FYI Donny, it was 1/2 mile) and now I want to make him drive through a goddamed cow field?  Um no, not that you would shut up for me to say so.  Fuck this, fuck that, who the fuck, what the fuck, everywhere a fuck fuck--(Sorry mom.  I'm far to upset to censor, just fast forward my potty mouth).  I might not have been quite so shocked if we were close and spent a lot of time screaming obscenities at eachother. I've seen that kind of behavior in siblings off and on. On the other hand, I havent been spoken to like that since my early days, and I don't talk to the people I really, really dislike like that to be honest, let alone my sister or my cousins.
Then, as I was trying to get a word in edgewise to his fuckity fuck, so I could tell him that I had never been here before and had no idea it was like that and no, I wasn't thinking about his stupid car because I was thinking about how cool it would be for him to see his cousin for the first time in years,  he yelled something about how goddamed pissed he was and took off throwing rocks behind him in a true temper tantrum. Really, I think he damaged his car more skidding off like a baby and throwing rocks 6 feet in the air than I did taking him down a dirt road at 5 mph.

I just stood there on the side of the road shocked. First of all, I have never been talked to like that since I was very young and I have long since pushed that behavior out of my mind assuming it was not goign to happen again since we all started walking upright. Being married to a Southern gentleman has spoiled me over the years and I expect the same respect that I offer.  I let him in my house.  I let him meet my husbund, see my baby, sit in my kitchen.  The bastard was in my inner sanctum for crying out loud!  Secondly, he had not seen me for YEARS. I am practically a stranger offering out my hand in freindship. He talks like that to people he just met? Seriously!? Thirdly, the first thing on my mind was to get him reacquainted with his family. They had all mellowed out over the years and have become more forgiving and open and medicated.  I really wanted him to see this change and take advantage of the more pleasent family unit.  Instead of doing his best to go with the flow, he freaked.  He freaked because I don't think he gave a rat's ass about us.  He freaked because he wanted to show off his car.  His car was what defined him and all he wanted was to be admired for a stupid car. I can understand wanting to take care of something nice-we drove slow.  He could have stopped and went back to the end of the road at any time.  I would have eventually went back to find him, but no.  He continued to push the gas pedal. He also could have rode with me, but then he would have to leave his car and we all know that would be unacceptable.  Someone that was worth showing off for might be around. 

"Oh Jess, you are just a young version of me." He said. "We walk our own path and that's why the family doesn't like me. We are outcasts because we think for ourselves."
My dad loves me. I think for myself AND my dad loves me. I don't know HIS whole story.  He blames it on the Rosen's, he was just an innocent bystander, a victim.  My mom loves me too. She is proud of me, she thinks I am smart and talented and I want to be just like her someday. I'm loved.  I'm not an outcast.  I was never an outcast, even when I wanted to be.  I think for myself.  I treat everyone with respect.  I don't scream and throw tantrums and spin my tires and hurt people because of something superficial like a car.  Karma is a bitch Donny.  Remember that when you smack a deer with your precious car and its gone and you have nothing once AGAIN and you are still alone.  This time no one is going to try to make it better for you.  You lit a match with your disrespect and you burned this bridge. 

He said once:
"I am NOTHING like my dad, that's why he hates me. We have NOTHING in common." Uhhhhh, your car is worth more than the feelings of your baby cousin/anyone else = Your dad. You threw a huge temper tantrum because of something really stupid = Your dad. You disrespected me and talked to me like I was a worthless piece of ignorant shit because I led you and your precious car 1/2 mile down a gravel road = Your dad. Your an asshole, so is your dad according to your whining.  The only difference between you and your dad, is that you are a verified asshole.  Your dad has yet to tell me I'm a fucking idiot over anything.  if and when he does, he can be a verified asshole too.  Until then the situation is under intense speculation.

I hope it was worth it.  I will always care about how he is and what he is doing, but I ran away from home 20 years ago because of the shit he pulled today. I am worth better than that and so is Jenny. I hope to GOD that she does not destroy her marriage for him. Soon enough his true self will break out of his fake front and she will be so sorry, heartbroken and stuck in a horrible abusive relationship. 

I will not be inviting him again. My kids and especially Dean, do not need to be exposed to him. Dean has a worthless father to deal with, he certainly does not need to get to know Donny Jay. I don't need him either. The fact is, I thought he needed me. Always talking about being alone, lonely, unloved, unwanted, depressed, hopeless. Seems like he is on a long road of lonely.  He's got himself a damned nice car though huh? Every time I see him I am going to worry about setting him off. I ran away from home because of that shit. No thanks. He is just like all of them. Exactly. What is so funny is everyone I talked to said not to bother.  Donny is not worth the effort.  He will screw you in the end.  Who knew it would take him less than 4 hours?  If he didn't want to get to know me and my family, why not just say so?  Were you mean to me so quickly because I had nothing material for you to benifit from? 

Curtis was consoling me last night.  I had spent my whole day in tears.  Not because I am angry really, but because I am so incredibly hurt.  I imagine I would feel the same way if my sweet dog suddenly bit me when I offered him a treat.  It was like that.  I don't think I did anything worth being yelled at, yet I sat there all day trying to convince myself that I was wrong and it was all my fault.  I should have thought about the road.  I should have stopped him.  Then I realized that I used to do the same thing when I was a kid after being humiliated and screamed at by my dad.  I should have known where those green-handled channellocks were, I should have ran faster, I should have remembered better, I should have done this or that differently.  Curtis pointed this fact out to me.  "Remember how you did this every time your dad got mad?  Why did we leave? We left because you did nothing wrong other than fall in love with me and I did nothing but fall in love with you at the legal, free age of 19."
"But Libby and him were so close...she would have never ever tolorated being talked to like that."
"Libby and him were close when he had nothing and thus, he was nothing.  He had nothing material to show off and flash around and pretend to be something he is not with.  I guarantee, Libby would not be close to him now and she would not tolorate you crying."
This is true.  If Libby was alive she would hunt him down and take a baseball bat after that car in my honor.  I can say this and know it to be absolutely true.  She loved me for me too.  She told me so every chance she got.  She wasn't an outcast either.  Not when she grew up and made it clear to our dad that she loved him, but she will diassagree when she feels the need.  She forgave dad and dad loved her even when they fought and when she left this world, it was a peaceful parting even after she walked her own path and talked her own talk within her family unit.  There has to be more to Donny's story than just being unique.

Maybe that's why you don't get along with the family, because you can't stand yourself. Don't compare yourself to me Donny. I am nothing like you. I am mature, polite, respectful, caring and loving. You are superficial, shallow, mean, thoughtless, self centered, rude, materialistic, self serving and a Rosen from the tip of your nose to the ends of your toes.  Walk your own path my ass.  They were right, you are absolutely not worth my time.